I stumbled upon that short sentence the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. Silly, I know. How so few words that probably mean nothing to most people just fill you up.
Ever since I was a little girl, I loved writing. I had multiple journals, notebooks of poems, I even tried writing a book (which was not as cool as it sounds). To this day writing is something I enjoy and I hope one day I can publish something, no matter what it might be. It’s kind of a comforting feeling, knowing a piece of you has lived inside you for your entire life.
I’m not going to say “I guess a part of me...” because I do know that I have always been in touch with my feelings. I spend most of my time inside my head with my thoughts, which I know isn’t always healthy, but I think it keeps me mostly sane, ironically enough. And I think that even without knowing, I’ve always known (mostly) who I am, even when I feel lost or don’t want to admit it. Honestly, I’m 23 and know who I am? Doesn’t that just sound crazy to you? But I promise you, I hold it to the highest of compliments when people tell me how I appear to have myself so figured out, that I have my shit together, and a strong head on my shoulders. Because for the most part I do. I know what calms me down, I know what de-stresses me, what gets me excited, what doesn’t feel right.. etc. But I also know that I do not have everything figured out and that there are still so many things in life I want to do and accomplish. I want to be remembered in people’s lives for all the good things, all the good times. I want to move people with my words and inspire them to never be afraid to speak your mind or be afraid to say how you feel...
So getting to the point, lately I’ve been stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t seem to get in touch with my feelings. And while I’ve always been good at understanding how I feel, I’ve never been good at sharing them. I want to share all the good things in life with all of you and I want to inspire you, but I also feel sharing so many of my words is what makes me vulnerable. And even though I believe being vulnerable is one of the most freeing and beautiful things a person could be, I’ve decided that for a while, I’m going to keep my words somewhere private. I’m going to start writing everyday and from time to time I will be posting some of those thoughts here for you all.
I know this probably seems pointless and silly, since I’m sure not many of you read this anyway.. but I hope that one day a handful of my own words can lift your spirits and help you find yourself like those few up there did for me.
photo: taped to a mail box drop in new york city, August 2015.