I can't pinpoint exactly when I stopped being a homebody and began to spend most of my time going out with my friends, but once the semester started, you could find me anywhere except home.
If you asked me 6 months ago how I enjoyed my weekends, I would have answered along the lines of staying in with my best friends watching Modern Family, having a beer, and spending all day Saturday on the couch watching NCIS marathons. Don't get me wrong, I still love to do that, and most likely will more now that it is getting colder out and all the good ABC movies are coming on.
And 6 months ago I could probably tell you what kind of job I wanted, everything I was looking for in a relationship, wanting to be in a relationship, where I saw myself today (literally, today, a month before graduation), and anything else you threw my way. I know you're thinking.. "everyone changes and everyone changes their mind over time, that's life". I totally agree and I totally get that. And that's why I'm mostly okay with where I am today.
A lot of close people in my life have told me that I look like I have everything figured out. That I have a great head on my shoulders, I'm a hard worker, and that I have qualities that are 'refreshing'. Hearing those things makes me feel so incredibly.... overwhelmed, in the best possible way of course.
But while we're being honest, most days I'm just trying to make it through. I'm motivated in different ways than I was 6 months ago. I'm inspired in different ways. But I'm still trying to figure myself out and what I want. I know as a graduate in December, I should probably have this figured out by now.. but I'm also still discovering pieces of myself that I never imagined to be there. Parts of me are never going to change.. like listening to Christmas music in November, or my love for Instagram, or NCIS being my favorite show, or even enjoying studying finance.. but the more I surround myself with people that lift me up, the more exhausting it is to say no to new things.
I spent 22 years keeping myself grounded. And let me tell you, it was exhausting. It was exhausting saying no to everything and everyone. It was exhausting staying in my head. It was exhausting trying to be perfect and following the perfect path.
I think getting out of the house had mostly to do with my sister moving 8 hours way and my best friend going off to college 4 hours away, while I was still here with my thoughts. Sounds depressing, sure, but I needed this to happen. I needed to discover the parts of me that are sociable, that are carefree. And to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure what I want in any aspect, but I'm glad I'm figuring out all sides of myself sooner rather than later.
Because honestly, how miserable would it be to think you have it all figured out, settle down, and then realize half of yourself isn't present?